Ora Carpenter Omerza journal March 1, 1981

1 March 1981 (Sunday)

It has been seven months since I have written in my journal. Many events have taken place since then, most of them very sad.

The first of September Em fell and hurt his hip. I was at the Library, when I came home he said he had fallen but didn’t think he was hurt. The next day it was sore and in about three days he was on crutches. I tried to get him to go to the doctor but he said it was just bruised. He was having difficulty walking anyway and this didn’t help. We finally got a walker for him which helped. He was miserable. The pain was constant but he suffered through it.

We were changing our diet to try to stop the growth of the cancer. We were eating very little meat and a lot of raw vegetables and sprouts. Also drinking wheat grass juice, when I could make it grow. He was also taking vitamins and apricot pits. The children and I thought this would help and I feel it did however he wasn’t sold on the idea. He went along with what I prepared but he was very unhappy and always longed for meat and sweets. He started losing weight.

At Thanksgiving time we went to Madge’s for dinner. She had such a lovely meal prepared. Turkey and all the trimmings and I thought Em would really enjoy it. We weren’t on our diet that day but he just ate a little. He did enjoy it but not as much as I expected. He was still on crutches and still miserable. Every day he was going down hill. Several times he had passed quite a bit of blood but he really wasn’t in pain from that, only from his legs. His feet would swell at times and his stomach began to swell.

Around the first of December his legs and feet became very swollen. He finally consented to go to the doctor. He gave him another pill to take but couldn’t do much for him. The pill didn’t seem to help but the doctor said to keep taking them. Finally they did go down a little.

He was having trouble with his teeth and wanted to have new ones made. We went to a denturist and he suggested a reline. He had this done and went back a second time to have them adjusted. They still needed a little adjusting but he didn’t feel up to going back. He was feeling _____ I missed something on the transcript here _____ every day and finally almost quit eating entirely. He was so thin.

We had planned for the children to all come here for Christmas dinner. By Christmas Em was on the bed most of the time. I thought maybe having all the grandchildren would be too much for him but he said he wanted them to come. I had suggested that we not have a Christmas tree or bother about presents but he said he wanted a tree and presents. He had asked Madge to have my engagement ring enlarged since I couldn’t wear it because of a swollen knuckle. She brought the ring over Christmas day and gave it to him to give to me. He seemed so pleased to give it to me. So pleased that I could wear it again. I was happy and have been so thankful for it. It seemed to mean so much to him.

Vic Ruzich and his new wife came Christmas day to see us. Em was quite nervous when they were here but seemed to enjoy visiting with Vic. He was having difficultly talking. It was hard to understand everything he said. He was up and in the living room some that day.

He continued to refuse to eat and was losing strength fast. I was able to get him to take water. He refused all his medication. I was afraid his feet and legs would really swell but instead they went down to normal size. His stomach was still swollen. The beginning of the new year it was almost impossible for him to get around even with the walker. Madge felt that I needed help so she contacted a nursing service and we had someone in a few hours in the morning and evening. It was so hard for me to watch him losing ground. I knew at this time he wasn’t going to get better. I tried to talk to him about death and dying but he didn’t want to talk about it. I really don’t think he thought he was going to die until about the last ten days. He talked more to the children than to me. I felt so much could have been said to ease the loneliness of it if he had been willing to talk about it.

Jay came and stayed a few nights with us. It was so good to have him here. Em seemed comforted by having him here.

On the 9th of Jan on a Friday evening the children and their mates were here. Em seemed so restless that night. When I told him they were here he acted like he didn’t want them. By this time he hardly talked at all. He seemed to understand us but he could hardly speak. As the children went in to see him one at a time, he recognized them but he was still quite restless. I think he wanted to talk to them but couldn’t make himself understood. They stayed until about 11pm. After they left and I prepared for bed, Em seemed much quieter. He took a little water and I adjusted his pillow and he seemed quite comfortable. I went to sleep immediately and awoke at 2:30 am. Em was quiet. I tried to give him a little water but he refused. I wet his lips a little but he seemed to want to sleep so I went back to bed and to sleep. At 4:15 I awoke again and the minute I looked at him I knew he was gone. I felt so bad that he slipped away without me knowing it. His forehead and hands were still warm. Instead of panic which I thought I would feel if I were alone with him I felt a deep feeling of peace and relief. It is so hard for me to describe Relief that he would not have to suffer anymore. He was free of the body that had held him captive for so long. Jay told me he felt the spirit stayed by the body for awhile. I spoke his name but I couldn’t feel him there. I stood by his bed and held his hand and wept a little for all the joys and sorrows our life together had held, but I didn’t really feel like weeping. I was happy for him. No more sorrow and no more pain. I called Jay. He called Madge and Ted and they all came right over. January 10th 1981 will be a day I will always remember. Later that morning we went to the mortuary and made arrangements there.

In the afternoon Afton and Lorna, Ivan and Hazel, and Joe and Florence came. I was so grateful for them.